[A bit of satire. Readers from outside Taiwan might want the background story first.]
Widow (answering a knock at her door): Yes, may I help you?
Alex Fai: Yes, ma’am. You may not know me, but I’m a KMT
lawmaker in Taiwan’s national legislature. I’ve been authorized by the
legislature to conduct a safety inspection of the premises.
Widow (bewildered): Safety inspection? What kind of safety inspection?
Alex Fai: Fire safety inspection, ma’am. We’ve had a rash
of fires in this neighborhood caused by piezoelectric sparks from
improperly-stored diamonds. You’d be surprised how often that
happens. Anyhow, I need you to show me where you keep all of your
diamonds so I can make sure your jewelry isn’t posing a fire hazard to the
rest of the community.
Widow: Ehhh? You want to see my JEWELRY? Because it might start a FIRE?
Alex Fai: Don’t be alarmed; it’s all on the up and up. Really.
Haven’t you heard of me? I’m Alex Fai, legislator. Or should I say, legislator – AND
fire safety inspector. Well, part-time fire safety inspector. Fire safety checks are kind of a thing I like to do in my spare time… When I’m not in the legislature. You know – legislating.
Widow: This sounds pretty fishy to me…
Alex Fai: No, no, it’s all perfectly standard. In addition,
the legislature has authorized me to carry out a non-fire safety
related inspection of your home as well. Inspection of a public place, we call it.
Widow (indignantly): Public place? Why, this is MY home!
Alex Fai: Well, it is, and it isn’t, if you get my drift.
You see, YOU own a mortgage, and that mortgage is held by a BANK. The BANK’S operations are overseen by the FINANCE COMMITTEE, of which I,
Alex Fai, am a member. Ergo, your house, from a certain point of view (and by "a certain" I mean "my") is therefore public property. We lawmakers can’t be barred from
conducting inspections of public property – that’s the law.
Widow: My stars, I’ve never heard of anything so outlandish!
Alex Fai (losing patience): Ughh, am I gettin’ tired ‘a THIS. Just let me through the door, b*tch! (pushes way into house)
Ow, ow! Stop hitting me around the ears with that cane! Do you
have any idea who you’re messing with? I’m a KMT lawmaker in the ROC
legislature! We’ve got a 75% majority! I’ll sue you for violating my personal liberty! And interfering with a legislator’s lawful inspections! And, and…
Oh, thank goodness you came just in time, officers. Ha, ha, no,
there’s no need to book me and take me in for fingerprinting. And don’t you go listening to anything this sweet, little old adle-pated lady says, either.
Because as you can see from my ID, I’m Alex Fai, KMT legislator.
Say…you chaps wouldn’t mind giving me a lift back to my pad in your
police cruiser, would you? If you’re not too terribly busy?
Policeman: Anything you say, boss.
Alex Fai: Good lad.
(Disclaimer:
Neither Alex Fai nor The Foreigner can guarantee that users of this
technique will not suffer bodily harm or incarceration. Actual
results may vary.)