Category: Humor

Premium Mainland Quality

Now, with 5% MORE diethylene glycol!

Package of sliced cheese in Taiwan. The package declares the cheese has Premium Mainland Quality. (Cheese is actually from New Zealand).

(Photo by The Foreigner)

These cheese slices are actually made in New Zealand, not China.  (And, just to cover myself, they do NOT contain diethylene glycol.)

All kidding aside, don’t the boys in marketing realize that when it comes to foodstuffs, the expression "mainland quality" may have lost some of its cachet in recent days?

UPDATE:  Looks like "Mainland" is the brand name.  Oh well.  Still good for a cheap laugh.

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The Mysterious Beast Of Linkou – Revealed!

So, after 38 goats were found dead near the Taiwanese town of Linkou, who does the culprit turn out to be?

We WERE told that tracks in the mud suggested the slayer was a tiger, or some other large member of the cat family.  So the truth turns out to be a bit of a letdown:

Medium-sized dog in a cage indoors with a man nearby. The animal had attained a mythical reputation after killing 38 goats in the area.

(Image from Jun 12th edition of the Taipei Times.)

Seeing this mutt, I couldn’t help but imagine what the SPCA ad in the paper would say.  "Wanted:  Kind home for stray dog.  Does not get along well with…kids."

(Boo!  Hiss!)

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I Did Not Know That

From Tuesday’s editorial in Taiwan’s China Post:

Chiang Kai-Shek fought for democracy.

Ah.  Just for the record, Chiang was re-elected president of the Republic of China (Taiwan) by the National Assembly in 1954, 1960, 1966 and 1972.

So…exactly who were his opponents in these elections?  What independent political parties did they belong to?  Were the people of Taiwan ever consulted on these votes?  And what was the fate of unfriendly media figures during these election cycles?

If there are serious answers to those questions, then I’ll admit Chiang fought for democracy.  Otherwise, I’ll keep in mind the example of Julius Caesar, who claimed to be savior of the republic, yet quickly accepted the post of dictator-for-life.

Here’s something else I didn’t know:

Chiang was supreme commander of the victorious Allied forces during WWII.

Critics and supporters alike can all agree that Chiang’s conception and execution of Operation Overlord was masterful.  Simply masterful.

I’ve Heard Of Bag Ladies, But This Is Ridiculous

It's either an Iranian wedding, or one of the Shih Ming-teh protesters has gotten REALLY lost.  Either way, I'm sure she and Cousin It will be very happy together…

Iranian wedding with woman completely covered with a red bag, covering her eyes as well. She walks with the guidance of two men on each side of her.

(Photo from the Nov 29th ed of the Taipei Times.)

While all the years spent in darkness may have left her hyper-sensitive to sunlight, the acuity of the rest of her senses has become exponentially magnified.  No one suspects that in her alter-ego she battles supervillains by night, in a never-ending quest for truth, justice, and the Iranian Way.

(Unfortunately, in close combat, she's occasionally put at somewhat of a disadvantage by the fact that her crime-fighting costume lacks any openings for…well, her ARMS, for one thing.)

Maybe if I'm a good boy, Santa will deliver a sweet little miss in a big, red sack to my house, too, this Christmas.

UPDATE (Apr 25/07):  The Iranian Dresstapo threatens to banish women from Tehran for 5 years for wearing "inappropriate" clothing.  Fortunately, our lady in red has absolutely NOTHING to worry about.

UPDATE (Jul 6/09):  Spanish scientists develop ways for people to use echolocation.  The training only takes 2 hours a day for several weeks.  (Although one firefighter, er, throws hot water over the idea of using the technique in fires, where the ambient sound can be 90 dB.)

<p>Spanish scientists develop echo-location in humans</p>

[Dr. Juan Antonio Martinez] recommends trying with the typical "sh" sound used to make someone be quiet. Moving a pen in front of the mouth can be noticed straightaway. This is a similar phenomenon to that when travelling in a car with the windows down, which makes it possible to "hear" gaps in the verge of the road.

The next level is to learn how to master the "palate clicks". To make sure echoes from the tongue clicks are properly interpreted, the researchers are working with a laser pointer, which shows the part of an object at which the sound should be aimed.

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Parliamentary Maneuver Of The Week

Dr. Marvin Monroe with his psychiatric patient, Bart Simpson

Dr. Marvin Monroe:  You LIKE attention, don’t you Li Ao?

Legislator Li:  Do I EVER!  Ha-haaa!

Dr. Monroe:  Well, we ALL do.  The PROBLEM is, you don’t care whether you get GOOD attention, for say, proposing beneficial new laws in the Taiwanese legislature…or BAD attention, for say, opening a can of tear gas inside a crowded committee room while warding off fellow politicians with an electric stun baton.

Legislator Lee Ao spraying can of tear gas in Taiwanese legislature

(Image of Independent Lawmaker (and Taipei mayoral candidate) Li Ao from Wednesday’s Taipei Times.  Yes, that’s a V for Vendetta-style Guy Fawkes mask affixed to the front of his gas mask.)

CAVEAT:  Currently, the public only has Mr. Li’s word to go on that his gas bomb actually contained what he said it contained.  There’s some corroboration in the fact that some committee members left the room coughing and tearing up, but it’s somewhat odd that there are no reports of any vomiting.

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