What Does Santa Claus Say When He Gets To Taiwan?

Hao, Hao, Hao!*

Chinese terracotta warrior dressed as Santa Claus. From Taoyuan, Taiwan.

(Terracotta Warrior Santa from Taoyuan Furniture Store.  Photo by The Foreigner.)

Those interested for related shots might also want to check out this fellow’s compilation of The Top Ten Strange Santas from Japan.   Liked what commenter #4 at Neatorama had to say about them:

Wait a minute…we turn a Turkish bishop into a red-suited fat elf who lives at the North Pole and flies reindeer around the world and you wanna argue that the Japanese are the ones who got it wrong?

Touche’!


* Mandarin for good, good, good.


UPDATE (Dec 30/07):  This December’s political correctness news was that a store in Australia insisted its Santas say, "Ha, ha, ha," because prostitutes might find the more traditional "Ho, ho, ho," offensive.

If this is true, then someone obviously needs to be packed off to sensitivity re-education camp.  Because as John Derbyshire points out, the new laugh is **GROSSLY OFFENSIVE** to members of the Hha-ha ethnic minority.


i-1

Prayers for the Assassin: Epilogue

[Part 1 of this post can be found here.]

Thursday’s Taipei Times informed us that HUNDREDS of local gangsters were arrested prior to their scheduled attendance at the funeral of former Taiwanese mob boss and political murderer Chen Chi-li:

A nationwide crackdown on gangs was launched on Tuesday morning and 931 alleged gangsters had been arrested by yesterday morning, the National Police Agency (NPA) said yesterday.

Twenty-two gang bosses, 201 gang members and 708 other gangsters were arrested in the crackdown, the agency said in a statement.

[…]

The NPA said hundreds of police officers would be stationed at the funeral hall to monitor Chen Chi-li’s funeral. It said it wanted to ensure that gang members did not use the funeral to promote gang activity or recruit new members.

The other important reason for having police present is to let organized crime know it doesn’t have the run of the place.  Friday’s Taipei Times reports:

Thirty alleged gang members were interrogated by police yesterday for carrying guns, baseball bats and shock rods to the venue, [the deputy of the Criminal Investigation Bureau said.]

Baseball bats?  You’d have to be just about the stupidist gangster on the planet to bring a BASEBALL BAT to a funeral where you know HUNDREDS of cops’ll be watching you.  I wonder what their excuse was?

"A man becomes preeminent, he’s expected to have enthusiasms.  Enthusiasms…"

Al Capone (Robert de Niro) tells his fellow gangsters that he loves baseball. From The Untouchables.

Al Capone (Robert de Niro) holds a bat behind a disloyal gangster. From The Untouchables.

Al Capone (Robert de Niro) swings a bat at the head of a disloyal gangster. From The Untouchables.

Al Capone (Robert de Niro) looks at the dead disloyal gangster who just killed with his baseball bat. From The Untouchables.

(Robert de Niro as Al Capone images from Screenmusings.org)

But it turns out that hoodlums weren’t the only ones present to pay their last respects.  In their Friday editorial, the Taipei Times pulled no punches about a few of the attendees:

How astonished and enraged Americans would be if House of Representatives Speaker Nancy Pelosi joined the organizing committee for the funeral of a notorious mafia boss. Yet that is exactly what has happened here: Legislative Speaker Wang Jin-pyng (王金平) of the KMT blessed Chen [Chi-li] by having
his name added to the list of honorary funeral officials. Again, one might ask, what does Wang owe, and to whom?

The KMT, it seems, can’t get by without cavorting with criminals.

But this is not a partisan cancer. Even more despicable is the presence on the honorary list of Democratic Progressive Party (DPP) legislative caucus convener Ko Chien-ming (柯建銘), who warrants expulsion from the party. We’re not holding our breath.

The Times even mentions that present also was one of Taiwan’s biggest pop stars, Jay Chou.  Nice company you keep, Jay.

But leaving aside the whole pop singer angle, the event does raise a couple of questions that ought to be asked of KMT presidential aspirant Ma Ying-jeou.  Namely, do you agree with the China Post that the police should turn a blind eye to gatherings of mob figures numbering in the hundreds?  And secondly, do you agree with the media portrayal of Chen Chi-li as some kind of hero, who only did what he did out of patriotism for his "beloved Republic of China"?


UPDATE:  Lots of background about Chen Chi-li’s assassination of Henry Liu over at Taiwan Matters!


i-4

Commoners Insult King!

It’s often said that sports builds not only the body, but character as well.  Part of the reason why children are encouraged to play sports is to teach them something about the value of individual effort, teamwork, determination and sportsmanship.  Somewhere along the way, they probably learn that criticism is part of the game, and sometimes criticism is unfair.  Just ask any 10 year old who misses an easy fly ball because the sun got in his eyes.

Remarkable that 10 year olds figure this out, while Taiwanese politicians do not:

Taipei judges made a decision on Wednesday that two Web sites did not need to pay compensation to former Taipei deputy mayor King Pu-tsung (金溥聰) over criticism of him posted on the companies’ blog sites.

The argument arose after King discovered that Internet users "freemanh" on yam.com.tw and "YST2000" on udn.com had posted entries on their blogs criticizing King for "humiliating Taiwan" during the International Children’sGames in Thailand last year.

King led a team of athletes participating in the games in Thailand in August last year. As Taiwanese medalists walked to the podium to collect their medals, Chinese delegates rushed up to them and snatched away the Taiwanese flags they were carrying.

[…]

Back in Taiwan, Internet users used their blogs to complain about King’s behavior and his reaction to the incident. Several said that King had "humiliated Taiwan’s national flag" as he failed to prevent Chinese representatives from grabbing the flags.

King then filed a civil lawsuit against the two Web sites.

He requested NT$1 in damages from both companies and asked for a full-page apology to be placed in all local major Chinese-language newspapers.

King Pu-tseng struck out at the plate – he was head guy at the scene when the Chinese snatched the flags.  For that reason, some folks in the bleachers call him a bum.  Others, (like myself) defend him, saying this was a speedball no one could’ve hit. 

But here’s the thing:  If King were a baseball player, he’d have to take the good with the bad, and let all that negative criticism roll right off his back.  Instead, he’s a Taiwanese politician – a Mandarin who isn’t accustomed to taking lip from uppity coolies.  So he sues blogging companies for libel, threatening freedom of speech itself for nothing more than his own personal vanity.

And vanity, it is.  Because an entire YEAR has passed since the International Children’s Games.  A whole TEAM of Taiwanese kids had flags snatched out of their hands by Chinese goons, and all King can think about is how HE was hurt.  Hurt by a few stupid comments from a bunch of know-nothings.  Yes, I know Taiwan has a whole Confucian-face thing going on, but if the place is to remain a democracy, its politicians really need to to get over themselves.  In a democracy, people are ENTITLED to their opinions even when they’re wrong.  King should console himself with the knowledge that virtually nobody remembers, or cares, what a few bloggers wrote about him a year ago.

I know.  Trust me on this one.

Perhaps Haywood Hale Broun spoke true when he said, "Sports do not build character.  They reveal it."  It was with his eagerness to stifle public criticism, not the flag-snatching episode, that King Pu-Tseng revealed his character.  And THAT was how he humiliated Taiwan – and himself.


UPDATE (Sep 27/07):  Upon reflection, I regret having characterized fellow bloggers as "know nothings".  Holy smokes, who am I to talk?  I’m not a native.  I’m not an expert on Taiwan.  Heck, I don’t even speak the language.  Talk about throwing stones in a glass house!

That said, I’m not a big fan of blaming the victim.  When China lures away one of Taiwan’s allies, I don’t blame President Chen or his party.  I wouldn’t blame a KMT president or his party if it happened on his watch, either.  China does what it does, simply BECAUSE it can. 

Now, most decent people would never DREAM of snatching a flag out of a kid’s hands.  And only someone with a very, VERY low opinion of the Chinese would have believed that they’re the kind of people that would.  Obviously, that’s a failure of the imagination, because they did.

But even if those present HAD suspected the Chinese would be on their worst behavior, they still faced the problem of having to be on their guard EVERY MOMENT of time against EVERY TRANSGRESSION that might have been committed.  And that’s a tough – maybe even an impossible – thing to do.

Happy Moon Festival

It has come to my attention that due to tightened health rules, hairy crabs from China will not be imported into Taiwan for this year’s Mid-Autumn Festival.

In lieu of these tasty crustaceans, I give you something even better – a YouTube clip of The Swedish Chef and the Lobster.

Zhong cho jeh kwai le, y’all.

Save The Last (Lap) Dance For Me

Goodness knows I rag on Taiwan’s China Post a lot, but there ARE things I like about the paper.  They’ve got a good Taiwan travel page, for one.  Come tax time, the China Post prints advice for foreigners – advice that was certainly helpful to me the first few years I was here.  And those Hubble photos of nebulae, etc. – man, now those are just GREAT.

A few months ago though, fellow blogger Michael Turton mentioned something I’d never considered before.  Namely, that the China Post features very nice slice-of-life in Taiwan stories.  Case in point: the story of the dead man whose buddies treated him to one final lap dance.

"We had our tea party for six at his home," Lai said. "I asked him to quit drinking, but he didn’t listen."

He said Lee didn’t want to give up drinking and blurted out, "Hey, if I die, would you let me enjoy a strip-tease dance by myself?"

"Of course we will," Lai promised Lee on behalf of all five friends at the party. Three days after the party, Lee passed the way of all flesh, and now it was up to the friends to keep that promise. The remains of the departed soul were transferred to a public funeral parlor at the seat of the southern Taiwan county as soon as he had expired. The funeral service was scheduled for Sunday morning. That gave Lai some trouble. It’s against the law to perform a strip-tease show in a public place.

"There’s an obscenity law that makes such a show punishable by a NT$3,000 fine," said Captain Chen Chao-chin, head of the police precinct that has jurisdiction over the district where the municipal funeral parlor is located.

So Lai made an end-run. The show took place on late Saturday night, in front of the coffin where Lee was laid. And his four friends stood watch for a possible police raid.  [emphasis added]

As the grandfather of rock ‘n’ roll once sang:

So when they plant my body ‘neath the sod
Please don’t take it so hard
‘Cause when I’m coppin’
That eternal nod
I’ll be the happiest cat in the graveyard.

– Louis Jordan, I’ll Die Happy


UPDATE (Mar 7/08):  A couple days ago, the Taipei Times printed a photo of a similar celebration.

Should Chinese Students Be Permitted To Study In Taiwan?

What Taiwan’s relationship with China should be is something that definitely represents a challenge to anyone with small ‘l’ liberal values.  Take for example, free trade.  The textbook case for free trade may be a slam dunk, but what does classical theory have to say about allowing free investment into a country like China, which pressures Taiwanese industrialists into signing political pledges against Taiwanese independence?  And take something else, like student exchanges.  As matters stand now, the government of China allows Taiwanese students to study in China, while the government of Taiwan doesn’t return the favor.  Furthermore, China recognizes degrees from Taiwanese universities even though Taiwan doesn’t do the reverse. Recently, Taiwan’s China Post wrote to say that this state of affairs is grossly unfair, in its editorial, "It’s called reciprocity":

…the concept of reciprocity means that we must treat others at least as well as they treat us. A good first step would be to recognize China’s diplomas.

Here, the China Post seems to have mysteriously forgotten one other concept.  It’s called "self-interest".

I didn’t blog about it at the time, but a few weeks ago, a Taiwanese folk dance team visiting Israel had its flag snatched away by the dancers from China.  "You’re not a REAL country, so we’re takin’ yer stinkin’ flag.  Nyah, nyah, nyah!"  Typical grown-up Chinese behavior.*

But how to respond?  Should Taiwan heed the principle of reciprocity, uncoupled from self-interest, and adopt a similar policy of pro-actively snatching Chinese flags whenever it can at international venues?

Of course not.  When Chinese hooligans snatch flags away at folk dance performances, they reveal themselves before all the world to be the cretinous bullies they truly are.  Naive adherence to a principle of reciprocity in this instance would be self-defeating.  It’s in Taiwaneses interest NOT to imitate their example, thereby demonstrating to everyone their sense of maturity is a bit greater than the tantrum-throwing babies from across the Strait.

What I’m saying is that reciprocity without consideration of one’s self-interest is a fool’s game.  So, with that point made and getting back to the point of this post, is it in Taiwan’s self-interest to reciprocate, recognizing PRC degrees and allowing Chinese students to study here?

There are indeed some good arguments for doing so:

1) Understanding & peace.  Chinese students in Taiwan will gain an understanding of the place and its people beyond the propaganda they’re usually exposed to, and thus be motivated to maintaining future peaceful relations between China & Taiwan.  Therefore, it is definitely within Taiwan’s interests to promote such contacts.

2)  Reversing Taiwanese brain drain.  By not recognizing Chinese diplomas, Taiwan provides a disincentive for those of its citizens who have studied in China, and want to return home and put their skills to good use here.  Taiwan’s current policy is therefore a waste of human capital.

3)  Raising Taiwanese university standards.  By increasing the pool of candidates for university slots here, competition for those seats would increase.  That would have the positive effect of raising Taiwanese educational standards.

4)  Confidence.  To allow Chinese students to study in Taiwan is a powerful expression of confidence in the value of openness.

There are however, sober arguments for retaining the current system:

1) Contrary to the warm and fuzzy things we’ve been taught about understanding, it doesn’t always lead to peace, love and good feelings all around.  Civil wars are often the most vicious kinds of wars precisely BECAUSE the combatants understand each other so well. Understanding is nothing more than a tool, for good or ill.  On page 291 of Buying the Night Flight, Georgie Anne Geyer challenges the conventional thinking about the virtue of understanding, with this comment on the Iranian Hostage Crisis of 1979:

"You [should] have been able easily to predict that  bringing eighty thousand Persian students to the United States, where they felt miserably inferior and alone and out of place, would only bring about, at the right time, a disastrous countereffect."

In fact, there are some kinds of  Chinese understanding of Taiwan that are completely undesirable.  To be blunt, spying would be one of them.  Strategy Page  reports:

"In a manner similar to Chinese espionage efforts, Chinese students [in America] are encouraged to gather seemingly innocuous data for the Chinese government. For example, who has been saying anti-Chinese government things on campus?"

As I wrote in an earlier post:

"Left unaddressed in these proposals is the possibility probability that many of these Chinese students will be tasked with identifying future collaborators, and marking other Taiwanese students for blacklists, re-education camps – or worse."

I think there’s something missing from my analysis, though.  Which is, that the costs of education and living are higher in Taiwan than in China.  As a result, it’s not the average Chinese student who’ll most likely be able to afford the additional expense – it’s privileged Chinese students with Communist Party connections.  And that little fact (which is never mentioned) raises the probability of student spying even higher.

2)  With regards to "brain drain" to China due to non-recognition of PRC diplomas, the case may be overstated.  After all, there’s no law PREVENTING Taiwanese private sector firms from accepting Chinese degrees, is there?  A graduate with a degree in say, Communications from a major Chinese university is just as likely to be hired in Taiwan as someone from a Taiwanese school.

Only in cases where the government invokes licensing requirements, or in the case of government work, does the current ban have any teeth.  And as far as applicants for government jobs go, does Taiwan’s government really want people who have been exposed to Beijing’s anti-democracy and anti-Taiwan propaganda for several years to come back one day and suddenly take up government positions of power over Taiwanese citizens?

3)  As far as raising standards, letting Chinese students study here will probably do that, but recognition of Chinese degrees in Taiwan is likely to have the opposite effect.  Remember, I said that the cost of getting a degree is less in China?  Well, once Chinese degrees are recognized in Taiwan, a large incentive will be created for Taiwanese students to study there, not here.  That influx of Chinese students INTO the Taiwanese university system is just as likely to be met with a stampede of Taiwanese students OUT FROM the system.  It’s not at all clear then, what the net effect on the university population will be.

President Chen probably overstates the case when he says, "Taiwanese professors would have to make a living by driving taxis while taxi drivers would become beggars. Taiwanese beggars would not even be able to compete with Chinese beggars."  But the possibility that the number of students in Taiwan’s universities could fall from current levels cannot be discounted.  Fewer students in Taiwan means more Taiwanese professors have to find other work.  The line about Taiwanese beggars and Chinese beggars is just a colorful way of illustrating that.

Or is that all that it is?  The China Post rightly objects, "No one is suggesting that Taiwan open its doors to the wholesale import of Chinese taxi drivers, workers or beggars."  Which is true.  The discussion here is about students, not workers.  Yet the cynical should be forgiven if they view the opening up of the Taiwanese university market as a first step to Chinese migration.

The way it would work is this:  One or two years after allowing Chinese students to study here, a NEW crisis will quickly be discovered.  Some Chinese students who have studied here would now like to stay.  What a shame it is that Taiwan cannot profit from their knowledge.  Why, they have unique skills that Taiwanese just don’t have. And girlfriends they don’t want to leave – I can just picture the media eating up THAT angle.  (Oh, don’t forget the ones that DON’T have Party connections – the ones that’ll work for a pittance.  Local business loves ’em.)

Pressure mounts to issue work visas.  Next stop, fast-track plans for citizenship.

Now, THERE’S one way for Chinese nationalists to cure the Taiwanese of that "provincialism complex" they go on about.  Just import more Chinese nationalists!**   For Taiwanese Mainlanders who never saw a case of Han imperialism they didn’t like, and who aren’t too crazy about being a minority here, Chinese immigration is the perfect way out of permanent minority status.

4)  Finally, we come to the last argument.  The current policy represents a lack of confidence in the virtues of openness.  Indeed, it does.

But on the other hand, I know a lot of people who believe in openness who don’t lend their house keys to stalkers who brag about wanting to kill them and steal their possessions.  Which is exactly the position Taiwan is in when people try to brow-beat it into friendly relations with a government that seeks nothing less than Taiwan’s destruction as a nation.

By now, you probably have an idea where I stand on the issue.  Still, as a way of comparison, it would be most interesting to see how the West German and South Korean governments dealt with the issue of student exchanges with THEIR communist counterparts.  Alas, during my brief web search, I couldn’t find any evidence that these governments allowed such exchanges to take place at all.  The only piece I did manage to discover was this 11 page story by a BBC reporter about East German recruitment of American and British exchange students for use as spies:

In the latter decades of the Cold War, Communist spy agencies…earmarked young Americans and Britons for recruitment. The superficial thaw in East-West relations provided by bouts of detente in the 1970s and 1980s gave them the opportunity to trawl among hundreds and later thousands of Western students, Americans and Britons among them, who took part in cultural-exchange programs and studied for months, even years, at a time in the universities of the Warsaw bloc.

[…]

Based on a huge cache of hitherto secret East German intelligence documents, including complete Stasi mole files of two British academics code-named "Armin" and "Diana," Insight/BBC has established the Stasi had a high recruitment success rate among American and British exchange students. "Regardless of whether these were students from Britain or other countries, as a general rule one out of 10 attempts to recruit someone for the secret service were successful," says Pieter Richter, a former HVA analyst. Neither the CIA nor Britain’s counterintelligence service, MIS, detected the recruitments at the time. The disclosure of the Stasi’s massive clandestine recruitment drive, which comes on top of a recent wave of spy revelations in London about Soviet espionage missions against the West during the Cold War era, likely will prompt further doubts concerning the effectiveness of Western counterintelligence during the Cold War.  [emphasis added]

1 out of 10 attempts at recruitment by the East German spy agency resulted in success?  I do NOT like those odds.


* What a gift these episodes of flag snatching are to Taiwanese nationalists, if only they had the sense to use them in campaign commercials.  Recount – or better yet, show them – on TV.  Conclude by stressing how shameful it is to be Chinese, and how decent Taiwanese are.  Let the KMT defend Chinese conduct to voters, if they dare.  After all, THEY’RE the ones who’ve been so chummy with the Communist Party of China for the last three years now.

** Please note that I’m saying Chinese from China are likely to be Chinese nationalists (with a small "n"), not Chinese Nationalists (ie: members of the Chinese Nationalist Party, or KMT).

Classic Headline

And no, it’s not a spelling mistake:  Japanese singer in hot water over pubic appearance

Police charged a Japanese rock singer yesterday with violating public decency laws after he briefly stripped on-stage during a concert in Taipei on Saturday night.

The Taiwan News helpfully adds:

"Some female fans were astonished, but males in the audience were thrilled and screamed," a United Daily News report added.

The MALE fans were thrilled and screamed?  OK.  I’m officially creeped-out now.

What’s All The Führer About?

Pics of Nazi-themed restaurants and bars in Asia.  (None from Taiwan, though.)

On a completely unrelated note, we’ve been having some record-breaking temperatures here recently.  Perhaps I’ll cool off with a tangy bei-shan guo bing san (passion fruit slurpee) from one of the local beverage stands.

Hitler Drink Shop in Taiwan

Or…maybe not.

(Photo by The Foreigner)


i-1